Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
