I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
