I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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