So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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