So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My life is pants optional.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
