I hate all girls vehemently.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
