I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
