she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
