I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
