My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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