Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
