I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
