i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
