I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
