my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Did I show you my penis last night?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
