Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
