how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
