so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
