Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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