Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
