I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
