I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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