I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So much rum. So many feels.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
