DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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