So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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