He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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