youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
