come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize