I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize