2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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