she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
