It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
