The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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