i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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