jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
