Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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