low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Enjoy the penises
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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