I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
