so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
