i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every concussion has its silver lining
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
