He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
