listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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