he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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