you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
