Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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