Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He passed out mid-signature
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
