her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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