She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
