dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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