I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
