I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize