I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
