Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
