party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
