I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
