My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
