now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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