i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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