so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
