so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
