You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
