my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am naked and annoyed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
