i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
