apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I color on your dick again?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
