I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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